First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
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[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
There’s always that one guy
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week