[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
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Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”