*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
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Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
it was a valiant fight
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
idk what he going thru but i feel him
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date