Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
You Might Also Like
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
how high up are we talkin’?
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.