NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
You Might Also Like
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
Forever 21… pounds overweight
awkward
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”