Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
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The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.