Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
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COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ