What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
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Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
This did not end as expected.
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.