if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
You Might Also Like
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
i like to flex on them by shrugging
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.