Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
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Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.