You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
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[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket