Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
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An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
Poetry is my passion
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
Based Erika
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
🙀🙀🙀😹
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.