Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
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The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
⚠️ Important Reminder:
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
Don’t talk down to me
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?