parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
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A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
I’m not stressed
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”