When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
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To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
everyone has that one prude friend