I’m having an out of money experience.
You Might Also Like
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.