[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
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Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
No. He’s not coming out to play
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
A dating app for angry people- Grumble