Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
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First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did