*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
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[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
That’s what I call a flat tire
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.