I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
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Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
Don’t touch that.
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
This kid is going places
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller