I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
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I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?