Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
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[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)