I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
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Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
what day is it?
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
Spring cleaning checklist…
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath