Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
You Might Also Like
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.