me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
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Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
Bike is short for Bichael.
when u come home smelling like another dog
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.