I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
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If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
Lmao the reply
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”