The game has officially changed 馃槑
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I鈥檝e touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don鈥檛 have kids
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
I鈥檓 in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I鈥檓 about to receive, but this must stop.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind鈥檚 really pickin up
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don鈥檛
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
馃槤
My kid鈥檚 favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
If Die Hard isn鈥檛 a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
Doctor: I鈥檓 afraid you鈥檝e got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don鈥檛 know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
[after sex]
ME: that was鈥agnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down