Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
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Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
New comic up. “Ransom”
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?