I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
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I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.