when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
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*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
The only equipped I am is ill.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.