flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
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Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
Blew out my flip flop…
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
For cardio I live beyond my means.
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby