Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
You Might Also Like
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
A new level of troll.
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.