Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
You Might Also Like
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
A couple who are silly together stay together.