WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
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Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
Stick it to the man
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?