Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
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The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
*me flirting
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
scares
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
can’t bark with your mouth full
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.