DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
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My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
IT’S-A ME,
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances