*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
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spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
Respect
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
#FunnyLife Insects
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
I think this should do it.
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.