[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
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Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
Very good news from my accountant
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!