*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
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Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
Where is your GOD now????
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.