Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
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Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.