They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
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You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
Breaking news:
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same