A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
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Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.