This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
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5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok