Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
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“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
💁🏻♂️
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
That’s it.I’m out.
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time