As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
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Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
lmaaaaaooooooooo
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.