God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
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Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.