Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
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(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.