*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
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Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
oh you like architecture? name three walls
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
back to work
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.