Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
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2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
🤣✨#caturday
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
jesus, what did this guy do
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.