AM I BEING GASLIT????
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Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”